Self Care is Really, Really Hard

Why is self care so damn hard?

Seriously. I've been struggling for awhile now.

And it's really bothersome knowing it's happening. One example that sticks in my mind for whatever reason is getting ready for bed, I'm 5ft from the bathroom and all I need to do is brush my teeth.

Nope. I go to sleep.

I've sat at my desk all day working and should leave my office. Literally just need to get out of the room.

Nope. I stay working, start gaming, or watching a show.

Your office is dirty and there's random stuff everywhere. You know it bothers you. Go clean it up.

Nope. Don't feel like it. Another thing that doesn't matter right now.

I'm paying for a 2nd car that is sitting in a garage just losing money. Fearful that selling it will be an issue even though nothing is wrong with it.

Nope. Forever a garage queen.

There's a gym in our house. Go downstairs and just do something. Anything. Come on, man.

Nope. Pretend it doesn't exist. You're to busy or tired.

Anyone else know this feeling and pattern? That is straight up not taking careful of yourself and the effects are destructive. I'm not quite sure how I got here but there's some ideas.

Started a new job that is difficult and stressful. It's brought on a lot of anxiety. Easily the most difficult of my career even though there has been growth to go with it. But, I've let it consume 99% of my brainpower.
Imposter syndrome and burnout. Classic, right? I've felt stalled. Paralyzed even.
Questioning every decision both at work and personally because of anxiety which spirals back on itself. It's a compounding effect.
Poor coping mechanisms. There was a period where I was drinking after work more than I care to admit to. Absolutely the worst thing you can do if you're depressed. I'm nervous to share this publicly but it's true.
Another bad cope - spending money on stuff I don't really need.
I'm diagnosed with bipolar type 1 (depression trending) and ADHD. You'll adult even worse with this in the mix. My Adderal was also taken away from me due to high blood pressure. It's essential for my ADHD. Non-stimulant stuff isn't working for me.
Taking care of my parents and watching their health deteriorating is rough. Hard to take care of yourself when you prioritize others (including my girlfriend and team at work.)
Serious relationship. It's been great 100% but it's a new experience dating someone seriously. You're not the only person to think about anymore.

On a positive note I've started to take some steps and I'm feeling optimistic.

Work has been improving and seeing my team start to really come alive makes me happy. They've stuck with me through the hard stuff. I don't feel alone in the trenches. Their support has been unyielding and I'm grateful.

While my finances took a hit post layoff last year but I've pulled back on spending. I can see the difference already. It seems the goal to buy my first place put some guardrails on how I spend along with some bad investment decisions from the past. There's a future that's becoming more clear.

A few friends reached out to me about a snowboarding trip for next year and it seems to have kicked me into gear. It's one of my favorite activities but thinking about my current health there is no way I could handle it without fixing some things.

I'm back at the gym and eating healthy again. While it's only been a few days my mood has improved drastically. I know the habit and consistency is what matters but this feels like I'm going to really bounce back.

For my parents there has been some improvements but getting old sucks. I know it's hard on them not being able to do the things they want. It makes me very sad but also motivated to take better care of myself. I'm grateful for their support and caring about me like I do for them.

Last, my girlfriend. Where do I even start. She has been there for me more than anyone. Constant support and love. It's a wild feeling coming from being single for about 10 years. Can't even begin to imagine where I'd be if she wasn't here for me and with me. That future I'm seeing includes her. We have an awesome trip to Mexico coming up together.

This has been hard to write. Vulnerability is scary.

That's all for now. I needed this out of my head.

Please make sure you're taking care of yourself too.

- DD